The Baby Spa

Happy New Year and welcome to 2016!

Now that Christmas is behind us, I have started to declutter and tidy the house. The decorations have been taken down, the baubles have been retrieved from the toy box and the cat’s basket, the gift wrap has been recycled and I’ve started sorting out (big booming echoing voice) “The Drawer of Eternal Mess”.

Every house has one of these. That drawer where things get shoved to “deal with later” or “to find a home for at some point”. Mine contains old birthday cards, hairbands, a sewing kit, paperclips, receipts, stacks of paperwork and other random crap. Feeling industrious, I started sorting this out and I came across an envelope I don’t remember seeing before. Inside was a gift voucher for a day spa and I had a vague recollection of my friend giving it to me for Christmas one year.

As a parent, the idea of a relaxing day of being pampered is as welcome as rain during drought season and I thought longingly of massages and facials and time spent in the hot tub. That was when I noticed the expiration date. December 2013 (this declutter was waaayyyy overdue). Bollocks.

With a sigh I tossed the voucher into the bin but it haunted me. When the Baby later rubbed regurgitated banana into my cheek and the Toddler decided to use me as a climbing frame, I thought longingly of that damn voucher and what I had missed out on. That was when I realised that I didn’t need a spa day. I have the Baby Spa and I get to experience it every day.

Aromatherapy is the use of scents and other aromatic compounds for the purpose of altering one’s mood, cognitive, psychological or physical well-being.
As a mother I get to experience the fresh scent of talcum powder, the slightly floral scent of baby lotion and the sharp lemony smell of laundry detergent. There is also that strong, all pervading aroma of a fresh poonami wafting from the arse end of a gleefully grinning Baby and trust me, the smell of that is guaranteed to alter my mood!
Massage involves working on the body with pressure and can be applied with the hands, fingers, elbows, knees and feet.
This particular spa treatment starts in pregnancy when Baby decides to poke a knee straight out the front of your belly while simultaneously shoving an elbow into your bladder. Later on you get to experience the Toddler rolling her toy cars down your back and then pretending your spine is a tight rope that she needs to walk along while playing “Circus”.

A facial is a procedure involving a variety of substances being applied to the face.

When the Baby rubbed regurgitated banana into my cheek, she was merely giving me a facial! In fact, both my children are very generous in this department. I have experienced the aforementioned “food facial”, the gelatinous “snot facial” (normally applied straight from the nose so it has the added benefit of being all natural!), “the don’t-hold-the-Baby-over-your-head-when-she’s-just-eaten puke facial” and the “make-sure-to-wash-your-hands-after-the-nappy-change-before-scrathing-that-itch poonami facial”. Think how much I’ve saved and my skin has never looked better (because you can’t see it under the dried puree).
Reflexology is an alternative medicine involving application of pressure to the feet and hands.
Ever stood on Lego? There ya go!
Waxing is a form of semi – permanent hair removal which removes the hair from the root.
I thought I was being so smart just before The Baby was born. I went to the hairdressers before my due date and had my waist length hair chopped to just above my shoulders. I thought it would prevent any unwanted grabbage once Baby arrived. Did it heck! Baby loves to grab handfuls of the stuff and is an expert at getting hold of it no matter how much I tie it up (my hair, not the Baby). I always believed waxing was the removal of UNWANTED hair but I can testify that the above definition is correct. It definitely removes the hair from the root. Ouch.
The Hot Tub/Spa
Ahhh, sitting in the nice warm water while it foams and bubbles around you. Then the bubbles break the surface and it’s another aromatherapy treatment from the Toddler’s fart that she delights in doing in the bath. Lovely. Just feel lucky that fart bubbles are the only thing floating on the surface!
So there you go. I didn’t need that voucher with it’s day of relaxation and beauty treatments at all. I’m not at all bitter and upset that I forgot about it. Sob. I’m finishing here to go into the kitchen for some wine. And chocolate.

Parenting Superpowers!

I’m not really a big fan of superhero movies but even I can enjoy the moment the hero of the piece gets his powers (normally through a “freak accident”. Seems like “freak accidents” are actually ridiculously common in the superhero world). One minute they are mild mannered Peter Parker and the next, boom! Superheroes. I don’t really undestand why along with all the cool powers comes the unexplainable need to pick yourself a wanky name and then go and get some lycra but maybe I just don’t get it.

Anyway, I remember the moment I became a superhero. The second my eldest arrived in the world I became a Mum and with that I was given a huge dose of Mum guilt, a lot of anxiety and the sudden ability to sleep while standing over a Moses Basket. However, I was also given my powers. I firmly believe all Mums are superheroes and we all have superpowers. Just remember, along with great power comes great responsibility. Here is a list of superpowers all Mums are given:

Super smell – All Mums have the ability to smell that a nappy needs changing in a room full of other babies. Even more impressive, they can tell which child it is from scent alone!

Super hearing – Mums can hear the slightest movement from their babies from three rooms away while lying next to a snoring husband. They are especially sensitive to the sound of silence (oh yes, silence has a sound!) and can tell if it’s “I’m just quietly colouring” silence or “I’m spreading Sudocrem on the cat” silence.

Healing Kisses – The amazing ability to heal even the scariest boo boos with a single kiss. For really bad ouchies like splinters, two kisses and a cuddle may be required.

Omnilingualism – This is the power to instantly speak and understand any language fluently and okay, maybe Mums don’t have this entirely but they can definitely understand Toddler babble when no one else can.

I was changing The Baby earlier while my husband put The Toddler to bed in the other room. I heard The Toddler say “Daddy, me kissy an shugs an tuck tuck Baze!” I heard his confusion so called through “she wants a kiss and a hug and for you to tuck her in. Then she wants you to do the same for her soft toy kitty, Blaze.” It was perfectly clear to me.

Superhuman Strength – The ability to carry The Baby in the carseat, The Toddler on your shoulders, the changing bag and six bags of shopping up three flights of stairs in a single trip.

Precognition – Mums can see The Toddler falling off the toybox seconds before it happens or can tell that sticking a piece of lego up your nose is a bad idea before you even do it.

Super speed – The alarm doesn’t go off but Mum somehow manages to get everyone out the door and to nursery on time AND she remembers the lunches.

I say Mummy Superpowers but Dad’s seem to be given most of these as well. Okay, Mr. Adultier Adult super hearing doesn’t seem quite as sharp (suspiciously?) and his Omnilingualism is out of whack but he has one of the best superpowers of all… The Dreaded Daddy Voice! He can freeze any of the kids and the cat without even raising his voice! He just drops it down low and instant obedience! Dad’s are definitely superheroes too.

What is your superpower? If you could have any superpower in the world what would it be and why?